


Practice Makes Perfect

by boredsince1894



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Extremely, M/M, Timey-Wimey, don't worry it'll all make sense, janto, teen and up for language that if you look up will lead to more "adult" language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 07:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11008800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boredsince1894/pseuds/boredsince1894
Summary: The Ninth Doctor and Rose are in need of some brushing up on their history, and having lived in a linear timeline for quite awhile now, Jack is the perfect person to ask for help.This is set after Something Borrowed, so I understand that the Ninth Doctor and Rose meeting Jack and the Torchwood team at this point is absolutely not possible (or some really awful things would happen), but just accept timey-wimey and creative license as the answer to these problems. This was written in honor of the twelfth anniversary of The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, for the we-are-torchwood celebration (created by hopefulqueer and myself on Tumblr). I'm combining the prompts "The Torchwood team meets the Ninth Doctor and Rose" and "Jack gets nostalgic and tries to incorporate elements of the 1940s into his everyday life in the 21st century."This story is dedicated to my best friend and writing partner youngbek for giving me the idea in the first place. Thanks, love!See the notes after for definitions of the terms used in this story. Enjoy! ♡





	Practice Makes Perfect

**Author's Note:**

  * For [youngbek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngbek/gifts).



     Very few things could ever possibly be important enough to put Torchwood on hold for long. Very few things. A team member had to be pregnant and going into labor, for example (though, as Gwen knew all too well, that could easily still have to do with Torchwood). Or a loved one better be in the hospital. Honestly, with the team’s luck, all of the worst things that could put Torchwood on hold were more likely to happen than Jack’s one good thing. Jack’s one good thing was the sound of wheezing and wind blowing, with flashing lights and a gorgeous coat of blue paint. 

     Or at least, that was the dramatic version. Sometimes, it simply started with a ring of a mobile. 

     “Doctor! What can I do for you?” 

     Jack’s voice echoed out from his office and across the Hub. Toshiko looked up from her monitors and locked eyes with Gwen. They both quickly turned to check up on Ianto, who’d nearly dropped the mug he was cleaning at the coffee station. Each of them rushed towards Jack’s office while they heard Owen’s footsteps climbing the stairs from the autopsy room two at a time. 

     “Did he just say--?” 

     “ _Shush_ , Owen,” whispered Gwen as they all inched closer to the door of the office. 

     Meanwhile, on the other end of the call, the Doctor was shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Rose couldn’t help but smile behind her hand, knowing how much the Doctor hated admitting he needed to ask for help, especially from Jack. 

     “I’m just sayin’, Rose wanted to check out the night life and I figured--no, I _know_ the TARDIS should be able to, but she doesn’t--” He grumbled under his breath. “Very much appreciated, Captain. See you in a mo.” 

     The team heard Jack flip his mobile shut. Bounding out of his office, he grinned at them all. “We’re about to have some very special visitors.” 

     “Jack, you just said _Doctor_. Don’t tell me we’re finally going to meet the one and only.” 

     “You are, Gwen, and I want you all to put your best foot forward. Not because of the Doctor,” he chuckles, “but because Rose Tyler’ll be with him, and she does love hearing about my team. So don’t let her down. After all, they won’t be staying long.” He sighed as he noticed the wary look they all shared. “And I won’t be leaving with them.” His eyes landed on Ianto’s face as he paused before saying firmly, “I promise.” 

     Ianto put a small smile on and nodded. He went to respond, but was cut off by that sound of wheezing and whirling that he had grown to fear so much. But Jack had said he needn’t worry, and so he would try to listen. Emphasis on the try. 

     A blue police box materialized in front of the cog door, and out popped the head of a grinning man with an oversized leather jacket and a buzzcut. Before he could even open his mouth, a young blonde was rushing past him and into Jack’s outstretched arms. 

     “Ohh, I’ve missed you!” Rose said, burying her face in his neck. 

     “I’ve missed you, too.” He pulled back to look at her and beamed as he brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “How’s Jackie?” 

     “Miserable. Her favorite show’s been cancelled and she’s butting heads with one of the neighbors for playing their music too loud. Again.” 

     “Sounds like Jackie,” he chuckled. “And Mickey?” 

     She let out a sigh and shrugged helplessly. He grimaced, understanding immediately. Mickey was an amazing guy, Jack knew as much. But after having all of space and time at her fingertips....There was a certain level of standard that people had to meet if they were to contend with the Doctor...and not everyone can expect to be lucky enough to have a Ianto Jones. 

     “Oi,” called the Doctor, after shaking hands with Gwen, Tosh, and Owen; Ianto simply gave him a curt nod. “I thought we were visiting for educational purposes?” 

     “Come on, can’t ask me to resist a little hug. Haven’t seen her ecaf since forever, it seems.” 

     Eyebrows raised around the room. 

     “My wha?” 

     “Your face, Rose.” The Doctor gave her a wry smile. “Am I right, Captain?” 

     “Bona. Spot on.” Jack’s gaze travelled around the room, eyes eventually landing on Gwen. He nodded in her direction. “She used to be a Betty bracelet, you know.” 

     “Really?” He hummed. “Yeah, I can see it.” 

     Gwen scoffed. “Alright, if you could just tell us what you lot are up to, that would be lovely, thanks.” 

     Shaking his head, Jack could barely manage to keep his goofy grin from splitting his face, it was so big. “Not as fun as seeing the question marks all over your ecafs. Stop being so naff, Gwen.” 

     “Now, hang on, Jack, that can mean a couple different--” 

     Owen held up a hand to stop him, which was a little shocking to the Doctor, and very amusing to Rose and Jack. People never interrupted the Doctor; they were usually too in awe of him to even consider interrupting. But people should probably consider it more often, to balance his levels of humility. “Listen, Doctor, I know you’re not, but you sound like you're from Northern England, and Jack’s from who knows where, but definitely not London, so why the hell are you trying to sound Cockney?” 

     With a burst of laughter, Jack raised his eyebrows at him. “Owen, you can pick up on everything we’re saying?” 

     “Yeah! I mean, well, no. Bits and pieces. But like I said, it's Cockney.” 

     “It's slightly derived from Cockney,” said the Doctor, looking a little too pleased to be able to show off a bit to Owen after being so rudely cut off. “Among other things.” 

     “But what is _it_ , exactly?” 

     Jack couldn't help smirking at the dumbfounded face that Owen, Gwen, and Tosh still shared. But he also saw gears turning in Ianto's head, as if he was going through all his mental files to retrieve the long forgotten facts on what they were discussing. Interesting…. 

     “It's called polari. It's got a lot of different origins. Italian slang, sailor’s slang, Cockney rhyming slang, etc. Polari’s a sort of secret code that non-straight people in Britain--usually men attracted to men--would use to communicate with each other to keep safe from all the ‘homosexuality’s illegal and considered a disorder’ bullshit. It was mostly popular between the 30s and late 60s. Words like camp, drag, butch. They all come from polari.” 

     Owen rolled his eyes. “Well, that explains why you're an expert on it. So what's that got to do with big ears and blondie here?” 

     “Don’t forget the big esong,” added Jack with a laugh. 

     “Oi!” The Doctor turned to Rose. “Are they really that bad?” 

     She quickly shook her head, a little confused at the “esong,” but still desperately trying to hide a smirk. She must have learned to hide them pretty well during her time with the Doctor, because her response seemed to appease him for the time being. 

     “Rose and I are here because she wanted to check out some of the parties going on in the 40s. Figured I'd need a little polari to find the best ones. Used to be fluent, but I'm a little rusty now, so some practice was in order. And like you said, Owen, immortal pan man here’s the expert.” 

     “Still don't understand why the TARDIS can't just translate for us,” Rose muttered under her breath before quickly adding, “Not that it hasn't been brilliant seeing you, Jack. And meeting the rest of Torchwood.” She quickly smiled at them all. “But, you know, it’s the TARDIS. She can do practically anything.” 

     “Like the Captain said, it's a secret code used for safety, and the TARDIS knows that. She's trying to be polite by not translating for us. Being respectful.” 

     While Jack gave the blue box a loving glance, Tosh couldn't seem to hold back her excitement any longer as she looked to the Doctor. “So you're saying that your time traveling...box, it can translate languages for you?” 

     “Yeah, inside our heads. Translation circuit. It's a telepathic field.” 

     “Like Weevils, but sexier,” Jack added. 

     “That's amazing!” 

     The Doctor beamed proudly before he knitting his eyebrows together. “What’d you say your name was again?” 

     She blushed a little. “Toshiko Sato.” 

     He nodded before his face lit up. “Ahh, knew I recognized you! Pig in a spacesuit, crash landed and put in your care. Sorry you had to see that.” 

     “We’ve seen much worse around here,” she said, obviously thrilled that he remembered her. “And I was only there because this one had a hangover.” 

     “Oi, I said I was sorry!” 

     “Alright, you two,” said Jack, just barely holding back a chuckle, “be dally in front of our guests.” 

     Tosh and Owen couldn’t help but roll their eyes. “Translation?” 

     “Be kind,” answered the Doctor. “Really, though, it’s all starting to come back to me now. Back in the swing of it, so I think Rose and I can get out of your riah.” 

     Jack grinned. “Yeah, I think you’re ready. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, okay?” 

     “Not sure I’d do half the things you would.” He shook Jack’s hand, holding back a smirk; he couldn’t bear to give the Captain the satisfaction of one. Before stepping back, he whispered, “Your chicken doesn’t like me much.” 

     A grimace settled onto Jack’s face. “He’s a little worried I’ll go trolling...and I really wish you’d use a more dally term for him.” 

     “Kindness isn’t really the goal of polari. You know that.” 

     “The bones, then. At least.” Dropping his hand, Jack put on a big smile as Rose pulled him into a hug. “Been nice glimpsing you,” he sighed. 

     “We’ll try and stop by sooner, I promise. Maybe you could write out all this polari by next time, ‘cause I’m still totally lost.” 

     “Oh, you’ll pick it up easily enough. By the way, if anyone calls you a fish or a zelda, sock ‘em right in the jaw. Don’t worry about it,” he added quickly as her eyes widened with alarm. 

     “Whatever you say, Jack….” 

     “Rose, come on,” called the Doctor as he reshook the team’s hands, this time with Ianto included. “My dancing shoes aren’t stayin’ on these feet forever.” 

     “You mean your plates,” said Jack with a smirk. 

     “Down, boy. See ya later. Try not to destroy the city while we’re gone; the Rift is too useful to the TARDIS.” 

     “He means be careful,” said Rose, taking the Doctor’s hand and pulling him through the TARDIS doors. “Nice meeting you all! Miss you already, Jack!” 

     “Miss you, too,” he sighed. The doors shut behind them and soon enough, the wind started up, the lights flashed, and they vanished, just as they always did. The ethereal presence of the box was sucked into time and space, leaving them all to feel the damp bleakness of the Hub once again. Tosh let out a wistful sigh before heading back over to her monitor, too mindful of the melancholy state they’d been left in to break the silence. Just as she opened her mouth to offer a kind word to soften the atmosphere, Gwen stopped as Jack walked back into his office, as if nothing had happened. ‘Probably to go sulk,’ she thought as she too went back to her desk. Intent on doing the same to avoid the awkward tension, Owen quickly skirted past Ianto. 

     “You know,” Ianto said, “I’m surprised you only know polari for the Cockney reasons, Owen.” 

     “Dunno what you mean.” It came out in a stammer as he tried to inch towards the safety of the autopsy room again. 

     “Mark Lynch?” 

     “It was my job to get close to him!” 

     “And you certainly did.” He leered. “We were watching the CCTV footage of you two walking out of that bar that night. I _believe_ he was wearing a different shirt when we saw him at the warehouse.” 

     Owen scoffed and started muttering under his breath about how they got in a fight at the bar so of course he’d want to change his shirt and how he couldn’t understand what that had to do with the fact that Lynch was fit and-- 

     “What was that, Owen?” Gwen smirked at him gently from behind her steepled fingers. 

     He groaned as he turned on his heel and headed down the stairs. “Alright! He was fit! Now stop judging me.” 

     “No one’s judging you, Owen,” said Tosh, looking up from her monitor. “He _was_ handsome….” 

     “Maybe that’s how I hire you all,” Jack called from his office with a quiet chuckle. “I weed out all the straight and incompetent people. Speaking of which, Ianto! C’mere.” 

     With a smirk and a roll of his eyes at the girls, he glided over to his lover’s office. Taking his usual spot on the desk, he raised an eyebrow at him. “Yes, Jack?” 

     “You knew what we were talking about and you didn’t say anything. Why?” 

     He shrugged. “I knew I’d heard of it somewhere. It’s in some music I used to listen to….Got curious and looked it up years ago. Haven’t really thought about it since, so I couldn’t remember enough to join the conversation. So it’s in there,” he points to his brain, “somewhere, I just had to do a little digging.” 

     Jack chuckled and shook his head. “You really do know everything, don’t you?” 

     “Of course I do...and maybe now that I know you can use it to be so... _expressive_ , I might pick it up again.” 

     A grin slowly started to grow on Jack’s face. “That might not be a bad idea….We’ll see.” 

     “Good. Will that be all?” 

     “Yeah...get enough work done so we can leave early, please.” With a knowing smirk, Ianto nodded and turned to leave. “Oh, and Ianto: you’ve got a very nice dish.” 

     He grinned as Ianto paused in the doorway, probably going through his mental dictionary. His ears very slowly turned a light shade of pink as the definition seemed to dawn on him. Jack’s snicker followed his lover all the way back to the coffee machine.

**Author's Note:**

> Polari definitions:
> 
> ecaf - face  
> bona - good  
> Betty bracelet - policewoman  
> naff - awful, dull, hetero  
> esong - nose  
> dally - kind, sweet  
> riah - hair  
> chicken - young man  
> trolling - wandering  
> the bones - the boyfriend  
> fish - derogatory term for a woman  
> zelda - derogatory term for a woman/a witch  
> plates - feet  
> dish - arse
> 
> Disclaimer: I found these definitions through various websites and an app. Definitions of words in polari can flow and change between the years and the areas they're used in, so some of these words might sometimes mean different things than what they're used for in this story.


End file.
